… but in this case, it’s just a man named Ford Nation
A man who legally changed his name to Ford Nation announced today that he still believes “one thousand percent” in Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, who has recently admitted to smoking crack cocaine, as pictured in a video the existence of which was confirmed this week by Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair.
“The important thing is that he’s cutting taxes,” said Nation. “I don’t care what he does in his personal life. That’s not the issue.”
When reminded that until Ford’s admission today, he, like Ford, had completely rejected the idea that the mayor uses illegal drugs, Ford Nation said that nobody has been listening carefully enough to the mayor. “He said he doesn’t use illegal drugs. That’s present progressive tense. Doesn’t anybody understand that? Present progressive is used for actions from the past that are continuing through the present until the future. All he did was smoke crack on that one occasion. That’s all.”
When reporters pressed Nation, reminding him that last week he said that, even if a video existed, there was no evidence that the substance being smoked was crack, Nation was again scornful. “There’s still no evidence that it’s crack. We only know it’s crack because the most honest man in the world now says it was crack.”
Anticipating further questions, Ford Nation, added, “And if we’re talking about honesty, you’re probably going to bring up this whole why did he say there was no video thing. How could he know? Now that he’s admitted he was drinking at the time, you can’t blame him for not knowing that some jerk was making a video after slipping crack into the mayor’s crack pipe. And does Chief Blair arrest the guy who made the video? No. Blair isn’t interested in going after the real criminals. He’s just interested in going after the mayor.”
Reminded that the mayor hasn’t been charged with anything, and that it’s his associate Sandro Lisi who has been charged with extortion. Mr. Nation said, “And that’s the point. Blair has to resign. Lisi is clearly a stand-up guy. He makes several trips a week with clothes to the dry cleaner, keeps from getting job so he can make deliveries for friends, and tries to get stuff for the mayor. He’s a helpful, honest guy. And if anything is proved against him, there’s no proof the mayor even knows him. I know, I know, you’re going to bring up the thing about them meeting in secret at night and urinating out in public together. Well, so what? The mayor’s a real guy. He keeps it real. There’s probably a whole lot of guys he hangs around at night urinating with. Hell, I’d urinate with him if I had the chance.”
Asked to stop taking so much about his desire to urinate in company with the mayor, Mr. Nation pouted, and mumbled something about how “a guy’s gotta have a dream. Anyhow, I have to go. I’ve got to catch up on my commenting on Toronto Sun articles. Can’t let the lefties think they’re going to get away with anything.”
Nation ended the interview soon after, calling again for Chief Blair’s resignation and for Mayor Rob Ford to be nominated to the national position of “First Super-Awesome Tax Cutter and Gravy-Train Ender.” When informed that the budget of the City of Toronto has increased under Mayor Ford, Mr. Nation stuck his fingers in his ears, hummed a “busy whistle” tune and looked at the ceiling until reporters looked at each other uncomfortably, shrugged and left.